Hey, my name is Sara. I’m Autistic. I have other Disabilities too. I like to say a laundry list of them. I’m going to talk about Autism and grad school here. And why I’m going. And how long it took me to get a regular college degree, and why.
I’m scared. I feel like graduate school will be a next level to regular college. I have trouble with organization. I have trouble with time management. Depression makes me tired and low energy.
I have already been talked to about going off topic in class in the first week. It wasn’t really off topic. The rest of the class and the teacher can’t see the patterns I see and how all of it was connected. I think another Autistic would have. The teacher was nice about it.
A classmate talked to me too. I thought she was being nice, then I wasn’t sure. I took it as I heard it, and then I started to wonder. Was it about my ‘lack of social cues’ or about their lack of comfort? The thing about Autism is I can’t know which it is. If I asked, would people tell me the truth or not? Thinking about this kind of tiny little social lie makes me crazy. It feels like betrayal to tell them. But people do it all the time. I can’t tell them or know when to tell them or when not to. Wouldn’t it be better if we all just didn’t? How is it polite? Makes me feel even more apart.
When I get in to school early, I take time to separate off and play simple games on the iPad or iPod to relax my mind and be less affected by lights and sound. So I can have enough energy reserved for getting through classes.
The next week, I got things said to me I’ve heard before, but are never easy to hear and are never cool. I hate hearing them. They make me feel not.
- Not Autistic enough.
- Not Disabled enough.
- I don’t need help.
- I don’t need support.
- I don’t
- Not as much as others, so it doesn’t
Life isn’t a competition. It hurts even more because my mother always compared my and my brother’s levels and types of Disabilities. If you don’t ‘look Disabled’ or ‘act Disabled’ then you always seem to get doubted, and people get mad at you. Like there’s a pot of Disability to reach into and smear across your face.
- I wish my child was able to do all you can.
- You need to understand not everyone is like you.
- My child is so much more
- My child is much lower
- If my children could just sit there, their lives would be amazing.
Way to suck the worth from my life. I am not here to be compared to. I am a person all on my own. This needs to be. I need to be. I am made less human if not. I wrote a poem about all this.
Here. This video will help. It’s called “Shit Ignorant People Say to Autistics.” Maybe you can relate. I love this video. It always makes me laugh and nod along.